Just Get it Over With

As terrified as I am to find out exactly what's wrong on the PET scan, I'm at the point where I KNOW something isn't working.  So I want to just get it done and get the new treatment started.  Of course, through some stupid billing confusion they cancelled the scan on me……after months of them sending the bills for us to hold onto and never denying treatment, why do it now??   We got it sorted so I'm going today.  I've really gone downhill the last few days.  Increases in pain meds are never enough.  It's so scary how fast it happens.  On Monday, I could walk Blazer for thirty minutes and feel great for doing it.  Last night, I couldn't make it up the stairs. 

I hate that I need a new treatment already.  This is completely retarded.  I took such good care of my body from eating right to driving, always valued my life as a gift and treasured each day.  I'm not learning from this, I'm just becoming bitter, resentful and angry.  The world is a fucked up place that the irredeemable druggie assholes that have stormed through Callie's and my lives are living their own just fine and I'm the one stuck struggling. 

PLEASE don't send me stories about how your friend/spouse/relative suffered through the hell of treatments and torture of disease only to not make it.  I know you want to show how you understand but that is THE LAST thing I need to hear right now.  I need a light at the end of the tunnel, I need to know I'll have at least a few years of remission.  I hate that there's so much I want to do in the world, right at my finger tips but I can't do it because my stupid body isn't well enough to handle it.  I hate RELYING on people.  I hate that I wanted to help Callie with her luggage but I can't do it so I had to ask Chris to.  I hate to have to ask for stupid little things like, get my toothbrush, get my food.  My independence is one of my most treasured qualities and it's stripped from me.  I hate that people have been so kind to me but I'll be too out of it to keep track of addresses to send thank yous.

Update = blargh

The ER was as anticlimactic as chemo.  I expected blood spurting and wives screaming but it was a lot of sitting around in various places.  My x-ray came back fine but my bloodwork came back holycrap anemic.  They called my poor oncologist at like 1am and she issued antibiotics and harder pain meds.  The antibiotics make me throw up but I still managed to be 119.6 when I got weighed today!

Managed the PET scan without needing to put my arms over my head, yay!

Antibiotics seem to be working, my shoulder's felt progressively better.  Not great…frustrating, it's still limiting simple activities, but better is better, I'll take it.

Results of the scan….the shoulder pain may be a new cancer site, there's also one in my leg and while the spots on my liver shrank, more have appeared.  This means it's more aggressive than anticipated.  It's mutating and resisting treatment after only the second one.  My oncologist said she didn't want to scare me, but did want to be honest, which is, of course, scary.  I mean it's bad enough to have it for no reason, as young as I am, let alone it being all Super Shredder on me.  

We're doing a different chemo cocktail to hopefully smash it before it realizes what's  coming.

She also was not thrilled with me getting a puppy.  She said my parents could get a puppy but that I shouldn't be the primary caregiver–I can't do any of the clean-up or be around any time the puppy is learning not to bite/jump/scratch because of the infection potential.

):  I don't know that my parents want to be doing that much of the work ):  Now of all times, I really really really need my  dog ):  My dad said maybe when I'm 'done' with treatment, but if it's going to get complicated….when will that be?  It doesn't bode well for the future….I want a dog in that future to come back to no matter what happens.