Treasure the good news when ya got it

My blood counts were so much better this time that the nurse practicioner was like, '….did you get a transfusion??'

I lost some weight but considering the antibiotics I was on were making me vomit that's not really a surprise.  Back to stuffing myself silly!

We went to see Blazer (3 yr old Beardie) and fell utterly in love.  I didn't expect that.  I'm pretty picky–I worked at a pet salon with over a thousand dogs and there are maybe five that I would take home.  He's PERFECT!  Lucy, the breeder, is going to drive him to us but she's going to Canada next week so we may have to wait until she gets back.  I miss my doggie already!!  I can't believe I forgot to bring my camera…once he's home and I can get pictures I'll write much more about him (:

I got my MASSAGE!  My back is crying tears of joy and my massage therapist said I win the prize for softest feet.  I guess those moisterizing socks Christina sent me really work!

As you can see, I got some gorgeous artwork from Ben Hummel whose work you can also see over at Will's sites 118 Migration and Undead Air.

I wrote half a chapter of The Deep Within!  Now that my back is doing better, hopefully I can get in some editing and finish that chapter up so I can force it upon my fellow writers over at Chimera Critiques.

I looked up how to play Spit–I remember really liking it, but being horrible at it, when I went to Learning Plus one summer.  Chris and I played a bunch while he was here this weekend.  Any game that lets me yell SPIT while slapping stuff is awesome.  PS Chris was here this weekend YAY YAY YAY

My grandma sent me the most gorgeous pajamas I've ever seen, I feel like a rock star at the spa….bring me my Evian~

My glamour

I never read the How To Be a Girl book.  I didn't even know girls plucked/waxed their brows until I was in college!  I just thought I was lucky enough to have giant caterpillar eyebrows.  I also keep busy creatively and was probably a little snobby, thinking I was too smart to 'waste' my time on make-up.  The mentality serves me well–losing my hair is more fascinating than anything.  

But I have to say that getting scarves and shopping for wigs gives me a different perspective.  I'm not thinking about an effort to look good as being potentially shallow anymore, it's an indulgence but it's FUN.  I went to a 'Look Good, Feel Better' workshop at Sunshine Mansion where I got a giant goodie-bag of make-up and spent two hours learning how to use it.  It was nice.  I'll never use all that make-up in a million years but the process was weirdly comforting.

Wigs are even more fun.  I've always loved having purple hair but the dyeing process/mess and inevitable job issues are more trouble than they're worth so I've been wanting a purple wig for years!  It was only $10 but I angst about spending money on non-essentials.  Now I have an excuse ;)

It actually looks way better in the picture than it does in reality unfortunately :P  The quality is not too high but eh, it's just for fun.

But, I got a free blonde wig from the workshop which my mom is considering dyeing dark blue =O  We just have to figure out the best way to do it.

Of course, we did get a REAL wig too.  After about a hundred million hours of shopping online and in a variety of stores, we narrowed it down to a few options.  The most popular was a super cute, super stylish one.  If we could have gotten two, I would have gotten this one as well.  It was totally not me which is really cool.  I'm not stylish at all and it looked GREAT!

But I figure if I can only have one, I should get one that feels more 'me.'  I'm a long-hair type of gal and I really wanted to get something with red in it.  I was really tempted to get this next one but my mom thought it looked too fake because of the red.  Also, one of the salespeople mentioned that if I lost my eyebrows I might want a wig with bangs to hide/soften out the drawn on brows.

I still think the red looks great!

And now the ACTUAL wig we FINALLY decided on.  By the way, we bought it from Wear Hair for You and Laura was amazing.  She could tell by looking at me for five seconds how I normally wore my hair.  Within five minutes, she'd guessed two of the wigs we had narrowed our choices to.  We probably should have gone to her first but my mom and I are very meticulous about choosing something to spend money on.  I know I wouldn't have been comfortable buying something without having tried on those hundred options that didn't work out.  

Some wigs looked great on the heads but awful on me, and some looked awful on the heads but great on me….plus it's really hard to get past the color hair.  I tried on blonde wigs that probably had great styles.  There was actually one, last wig we almost got.  Too bad we didn't get a picture.  It had real nice layering but it wasn't monofilament so the part looked chunky and fake.  I'm tall enough that no one can see it anyway so it probably didn't matter but it was a blonde wig…..

Anyway, without further ado………………..MY WIG!

By your Reiki combined, I am Captain Planet!

I've read about reiki but really had no clue what it was about.  So I went to Sunshine Mansion to experience it for myself.  My reiki master said that it's different for everyone–and often different each time.  People feel warm, cold, tingly, and definitely relaxed.  I got up on the table under a soft blankie but didn't need to disrobe like I do for massage.  

She started at my head and slowly waved her hands over me, it felt like a breeze.  She placed her hands close/on my neck and temples–cool, liquid, crystal water.  The sensations were both physical and mental, visual even.  She moved to my upper chest–warmth, depth, fire.  Along my abdomen was moderate, solid, earth.  When she slid her hands under my spine they were cool, smooth, silver–metal.  My legs became wood, not stiff but solid and alive.

It was weirdly specific in these elemental images and I'm curious how different it would be next time and whether any subconscious notion of this technique caused the imagery.  Also curious whether the images correspond to the same body parts/motions in Japanese culture or if it was just my brain's secret desire to save the planet from Duke Nukem.

It was very relaxing (:  and more smooth a transition to come out of than massage.  BUT I LOVE MASSAGE!  I decided that I need to have a massage after every major doctor's appointment so that no matter what the news is, I have something awesome to look forward to.  It's such a great way to be forgiving to my body.  As much as I feel like it's betrayed me, letting in this evil, it's really doing the best it can for me.  My body is fighting, it's letting me enjoy my life and I want to show my gratitude.

Over the next few days, Operation Therapy comes to a head.  Will we be utterly taken by Blazer, the 3 year old?  Or will we succumb to puppy love?  Or will I track down that sweetheart lhasa apso I almost got a few years ago ;p  He was SO SWEET!  Very calm, he came up to my feet, sat down, patiently wagged his tail and looked up longingly until I picked him up.  What a bundle of cuddle!  The only reason I didn't get him was that I was living with a spazzy cat at the time and I was worried she would totally whip him.

The Work of the Awake

I've shaken my ratapatootie enough to get an invitation to be part of The Awake, a group of passionate creators who work in a variety of mediums.  We've got writers, artists, podcasters, photographers, and more working together on charity projects and sharing the buzz.  

We just started up a site called The Work of the Awake so you can get a daily dose of awesome from our delicious brains.  The first chapter of Lightning Spliced has already gone up and I've got a bunch more cool stuff in the queue so keep an eye out (: plus I just inducted my friend Alex who I hope will grace us with his gorgeous New Zealand photography.

Networking is awesome (: it's through these guys that I'm livin' my rock star dream by recording my lyrics to go with music written by Rad Bear.

Want to help?

There's a website called Helping Hands which sets up a calendar community so people can volunteer to do things like get groceries, bring kids to activities, etc.  It's an awesome idea but I don't really have any of those responsibilities.  People ask me all the time what they can do to help and I draw a blank so I tried to make up a list.  I'll update it when I think of things and cross stuff off when someone claims it.  I don't really want to make this entire post a sticky but I'll put a link to it at the top of the page so you guys can check back.

A lot of this stuff can be emailed and if not you can get my physical address if you need it:  jenniferlwille-at-yahoo-dot-com

A literary agent - Hey, I can dream, right? ;)

A book light - I wake up at 4am every night, often to scribble notes.   My handwriting is illedgible enough without trying to write in the dark!

A hat rack thingie - I have all these wigs/scarves/etc and no way to store them besides in a big pile ):

Fun night lights - I've got some boring ones in my room and bathroom.  I get nightmares so anything soothing/cheery to wake up to would be nice

TV-watching contraption - I've got a TV.  And a bed.  But no couch or way to make the bed comfy for watchinn the TV T_T

Toys!! - I love toys!  I'm not quite up to nerf right now but desktop toys are great

Lap pad/table for laptop

Physical games/crafts - I get bored staring at screens!  Nothing sharp or too puzzle-oriented for my poor chemo brain to handle

Artwork - Doodle me something, I LOVE to tape cards and art up in the bathroom.

Exercise gift certificates - I need to get 30 min in daily but my staminia has me limited to like, stretch yoga ;p  and I get bored sooo easily.  Need to find a bellydance instructor around here that can give me some major modifications

Yoga matt - a REALLY CUSHY ONE

Recipes - I'm supposed to eat fish at least three times a week.  I HATE FISH.  Helpl D:

Fancy PJs/easy wear - especially if they button/zip.  It can be hard to get into normal clothes but I'm going out on a daily basis for shots so I kinda have to be in public.  Preferably PJs that cover what's left of my boobies decently since I haven't been able to wear bras (first the mediport scars then the shoulder pain)

Photos - of YOU! and especially your pets (:

Food Gift certificates for nice places to eat (Macaroni Grill, Maggiano's, Melting Pot, bellydance places, Sakura, PF Chang's, Mongolian BBQ…etc…etc) - I'm supposed to eat lots of fish/steak/ice cream to bulk up and when my stomach is doing good it's nice to get out and splurge!

Board games - Sometimes my stamina is too low to do much when my friends come to hang out but these are a blast!  

the only games I have are True Science, Star Wars Monopoly (I hate  monopoly!), and a 50 million year old Trivia 

Pursuit box. I now have:  Scrabble, Apples to Apples, Smart Ass, and World of Slaughter.

Travel Pictures/articles - Places you've been, things you want to do…give me ideas to think toward the future! 

Tell me stories - Don't feel bad for telling me you had a bad day, I want to know, I want to be involved

Silly comforts - a heatable aromatherapy pillow, a mini zen garden, a great tea, silly slippers, tasty treats, pretty notebooks

Books - The Hunger Games, Dies the Fire, Stein on Writing, Beautiful Creatures, Street Magic, Storm Front, The Career Novelist, Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell, books on character development, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, books on how to write humor, cute animals (especially dogs!), silly bathroom readers, nothing depressing!!!  Err… I know I need to read some Scott Sigler but I think Infection is probably not the best book right now ;p

Survival stories - Only stories with happy continuings, kthx (:

THE Triforce Necklace - http://www.etsy.com/shop/KCandF

Donate - Lots of the research right now is coming from breast cancer money which is GREAT and it does help me some but if you want to go specific, mine is squamous cell carcinoma

Rides - My mom probably gets tired of driving me places, waiting around, driving more places.  I  need to go  somewhere pretty much every day :P

Make me laugh!!!!

PS.  My mom could use a maid, foot massages, and a chef.  My dad would appreciate someone to play xbox with and anything related to Michigan football/basketball, he also likes beer??  He has glasses from Moon River and Dead Guy Ale.

Planning or Pantsing

It's hard to write when I think about a disease so aggressive it springs up in the midst of treatment.  I hate that some of the most shining lights among my friends are going through the same, similar, or worse.  It scares me how fast I went downhill and how fast it could happen again.  I feel like I can't plan ahead.  I always knew I wasn't meant to have kids or a house or whatever else normal people do but I'm still jealous (99% happy for them, of course, but that 1%) that they can plan.  They can get married, have kids, get divorced, get remarried and build a garden.  I knew I wouldn't make a lot of money so I didn't need the house, it didn't matter that I couldn't afford kids.  But I thought my alternative was going to be saving up for hot springs tours of Japan, book tours in Callie's van, and the best dog ever.

I don't really know what direction to go in though.  Pantsing means a day at a time, massages and cookies.  But if I'm going to get published I need to finish some books.  But books involve planning, involve *time* and I don't know how much of that I have.  Aggression doesn't bode well for treatment or for recurrance and I'm only 27, that's like starting the game with 8 points against you.

I need to prioritize.  The dog is most important.  Is that weird?  I didn't think it would be first, I mean I've managed for years without one but if all I have is tomorrow, I want my dog at my side.  I know I should be concerned for my health and infection potential and blah blah blah.  FINE, I'll wear a kevlar bubble if I have to!  My MENTAL health is important too yaknow!

It's midnight.  My chemo today had crack in it!

I don't know what's next.  I guess I do take that a day at a time.  Maybe I'll write tomorrow.  Maybe I won't.  

I've been having trouble the last couple days but I'll get over it.  It's not worth losing a day to being upset about the future and I'm so, so lucky.  I can *walk*….I'm not paralyzed, I'm not in the hospital, I can breathe, I can sing, aside from my shoulder I'm not in pain…..my quality of life is pretty damn good right now.  So right now, I'm happy.  I can't ruin that with worry even if it does mean I give myself short term memory and can't plan anything.

Also, I watched Troop Beverly Hills which is just as hilarious now as it was when I was ten (unlike Grease which I couldn't watch ten minutes of haha)

PS. My white count is low so I have to get HORRIBLE BURNING NEEDLES all week.  But I'm not getting one now.  SO YAY.  

Update = blargh

The ER was as anticlimactic as chemo.  I expected blood spurting and wives screaming but it was a lot of sitting around in various places.  My x-ray came back fine but my bloodwork came back holycrap anemic.  They called my poor oncologist at like 1am and she issued antibiotics and harder pain meds.  The antibiotics make me throw up but I still managed to be 119.6 when I got weighed today!

Managed the PET scan without needing to put my arms over my head, yay!

Antibiotics seem to be working, my shoulder's felt progressively better.  Not great…frustrating, it's still limiting simple activities, but better is better, I'll take it.

Results of the scan….the shoulder pain may be a new cancer site, there's also one in my leg and while the spots on my liver shrank, more have appeared.  This means it's more aggressive than anticipated.  It's mutating and resisting treatment after only the second one.  My oncologist said she didn't want to scare me, but did want to be honest, which is, of course, scary.  I mean it's bad enough to have it for no reason, as young as I am, let alone it being all Super Shredder on me.  

We're doing a different chemo cocktail to hopefully smash it before it realizes what's  coming.

She also was not thrilled with me getting a puppy.  She said my parents could get a puppy but that I shouldn't be the primary caregiver–I can't do any of the clean-up or be around any time the puppy is learning not to bite/jump/scratch because of the infection potential.

):  I don't know that my parents want to be doing that much of the work ):  Now of all times, I really really really need my  dog ):  My dad said maybe when I'm 'done' with treatment, but if it's going to get complicated….when will that be?  It doesn't bode well for the future….I want a dog in that future to come back to no matter what happens.

I live at the doctor

I thought I pulled a muscle in my shoulder, it was almost better last Friday but the last few days it's gotten so painful that I can't get out of bed/change clothes.  So we called the oncology office, it's too late for an appointment today of course, and they recommend a vacation to the ER.  Ugh.  I already have two needles + mediport access and chemo to survive this week, really not looking forward to more poking and prodding and finding things wrong.

Pulling the Cancer Card

My next PET scan is coming up so they can compare the results and hopefully see my awesome obliteration of Mr. Squamous.  My breathing is almost 100% better so I'm sure that the cancer is shrinking there but I'm worried about my liver ):  It should be the same type, so it should be shrinking as well but I don't have that dramatic external proof so I worry.

Hehe this is what Tina made me:

I will whip it out at all appropriate (and inappropriate) occasions.

Actually I feel a little guilty for how generous everyone has been to me!  I was really sick in Savannah but I feel SO much better now.  I know the cancer is still there but it's not like my friend who has MS.  He has a new symptom like every month and he has to give himself shots daily, I feel like I'm on vacation compared to what he has to deal with ):

Oh, Savannah, wish you didn’t try to kill me

I just got to chat with my awesome Amanda, of The Back Room fame.  She just got back from chillin with celebrities in LA.  In the future, you're going to see her name as the headlining screenwriter credit on a blockbuster and I'll be the hot femme fatale in the posters.  Except more awesome and potentially psychotic.  We are the future Tim Burton/Johnny Depp dream team!

I miss my Savannah buddies….especially my critique group.  We are totally rock stars!