Planning or Pantsing
It's hard to write when I think about a disease so aggressive it springs up in the midst of treatment. I hate that some of the most shining lights among my friends are going through the same, similar, or worse. It scares me how fast I went downhill and how fast it could happen again. I feel like I can't plan ahead. I always knew I wasn't meant to have kids or a house or whatever else normal people do but I'm still jealous (99% happy for them, of course, but that 1%) that they can plan. They can get married, have kids, get divorced, get remarried and build a garden. I knew I wouldn't make a lot of money so I didn't need the house, it didn't matter that I couldn't afford kids. But I thought my alternative was going to be saving up for hot springs tours of Japan, book tours in Callie's van, and the best dog ever.
I don't really know what direction to go in though. Pantsing means a day at a time, massages and cookies. But if I'm going to get published I need to finish some books. But books involve planning, involve *time* and I don't know how much of that I have. Aggression doesn't bode well for treatment or for recurrance and I'm only 27, that's like starting the game with 8 points against you.
I need to prioritize. The dog is most important. Is that weird? I didn't think it would be first, I mean I've managed for years without one but if all I have is tomorrow, I want my dog at my side. I know I should be concerned for my health and infection potential and blah blah blah. FINE, I'll wear a kevlar bubble if I have to! My MENTAL health is important too yaknow!
It's midnight. My chemo today had crack in it!
I don't know what's next. I guess I do take that a day at a time. Maybe I'll write tomorrow. Maybe I won't.
I've been having trouble the last couple days but I'll get over it. It's not worth losing a day to being upset about the future and I'm so, so lucky. I can *walk*….I'm not paralyzed, I'm not in the hospital, I can breathe, I can sing, aside from my shoulder I'm not in pain…..my quality of life is pretty damn good right now. So right now, I'm happy. I can't ruin that with worry even if it does mean I give myself short term memory and can't plan anything.
Also, I watched Troop Beverly Hills which is just as hilarious now as it was when I was ten (unlike Grease which I couldn't watch ten minutes of haha)
PS. My white count is low so I have to get HORRIBLE BURNING NEEDLES all week. But I'm not getting one now. SO YAY.
Tags: cancer, happiness, prioritizing, troop beverly hills, writing while sick
Medical Escapades, On Writing, Tips and Process | zellie | 
July 23, 2010 11:45 pm
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By Will Ross, July 24, 2010 @ 2:33 am
Girl you have more strength then I do.
By carol (aunt), July 24, 2010 @ 8:18 am
Jenny - You rock! Or at least you have more courage and inner strength… Love from Grandma Chloe and me
By KFC, July 24, 2010 @ 12:15 pm
I admire you more than you could possibly know.
By callie forester, July 24, 2010 @ 12:43 pm
I think–if it was me–I’d probably still be writing a lot. Not because I’m that dedicated, or any bullshit like that. Just because writing is one of my favorite things to do, so that’s what I’d be spending my time doing.
Whatever it is that you love the most, that you can physically handle doing right now…I guess that’s what you should be doing. I’ve made a million plans and dreamed a million dreams that never happened–but making those plans and dreaming those dreams got me through some hard times in my life, and that made them well worth it.
What do you want to do that’s within reach? (I’m guessing that, financially, that wouldn’t be touring Japan) I say you make a plan to do it and the hell with worrying that the plan won’t happen. Sometimes believing in something helps.
And–whatever you pick to do when this is over (or before then if you can, I’m not picky)–if you want some company, I’m there. I mean it.
I read stuff like this from you and it kills me because I can’t imagine sitting where you’re at and taking it the way you have. You’ve been like…a character in a book. One of those people who’s so strong that you don’t seem quite real. I just sit here on my stupid bed, tearing up, and wishing I had some advice to give you that didn’t sound like half of it came from a friggin hallmark card.
Okay. I’m done now. That’s all the sappy shit I can handle this early in the day–I haven’t had my coffee yet. ;). I love you Zell…hang in there.
Oh, and Marc said you are more than welcome to all of our dogs. All five of them. We decided about two months ago that they were no longer allowed on the furniture and it’s been an undeclared war zone in my house ever since. All five of my huge spoiled babies thought they’d “act out” by crapping on my floor. Yesterday I spent three hours bleaching, scrubbing and rinsing the floor and then walked in there a half hour later to find a river of piss. Fuckers.
Pathetically enough, I still get where you are coming from though. Marc is ready to kill them all and make himself a coat from their fur, but I still love my doggies. They’ll get over it. They just need some extra attention right now. hehe…
I hope the puppy thing works out for you. I think I over killed with five dogs, but I agree with you about one. there is nothing like a dog to lift your spirits.
tell your mom and dad to hire a puppy caretaker to come live with you guys for a couple of months so your puppy can come home. Or, by all means, go with the Kevlar bubble, which would look really spiffy with your new hair scarves.
Did you ever see that movie, “Boy in a Bubble” For some reason i remember that it starred Tawny Kitean, (a flash in the pan star from the eighties.) It was absolutely the cheesiest, sappiest piece of crap ever. haha. You should download it. Guaranteed to make you smile for the sheer awfulness of it!
By callie forester, July 24, 2010 @ 12:43 pm
Jesus. There’s those word count issues that plague me. haha. Sorry about the novel.
By zellie, July 24, 2010 @ 9:23 pm
Aunt Carol - Thanks!
KFC- Can’t wait to come visit you!!!
Callie - Come visit!!! Writing is so weird… I LOVE it but again, it’s that planning thing. On one hand that’s good, that’s getting me to think positively about the future. On the other hand, it’s a reminder in my head…I’ve always had that ticking timb bomb and people would say ‘oh, stop worrying, you’re only 20, you have plenty of time’ so now my brain is like, O RLY? But you know, I could be fine for decades…my friend’s student just died in a car crash. You just never know.
I really want to go to Kalahari Waterpark!! Gotta get over the treatment hump first I think.
hehe, yeah I love it and hate it…I bounce back really well, it’s a learned blessing from that one relationship but it’s like…damnit I’m like one of those characters in a book and it’s always the angels that fall first. Screw that, I’m going to go spray paint a barn or something to taint me up a bit!
LOL Squishy is pretty tempting but you can keep the acting out ;p
By Logan Grey, July 24, 2010 @ 11:33 pm
I think animals have healing powers. I know they can sense our emotions and empathize at least. And they are proven stress relievers. My ferret Wolverine would sit in my lap when I was sad and just lick my arm. That tiny sweet gesture helped me so much.
And when I was newly divorced and alone with no friends or a man in my life, there he was. I would walk around the house cuddling him and singing.. it always made me feel better. And because he needed me, I had a purpose and a reason to keep trying when things were going wrong for me. I had to keep going so I could be there to take care of him.
So I guess I agree that the dog is a good idea, though I don’t like dogs. I would say cat or ferret!
By zellie, July 25, 2010 @ 9:17 am
They really do! Therapy dogs exist for a reason.
Haha well if you come up to DC, I’ll put some cat ears on my dog and teach him to chase bottlecaps :x
By Logan Grey, July 25, 2010 @ 4:11 pm
Oh shit is that where you are? Do you know that I shamefully have to admit that I’ve never been there..
By zellie, July 25, 2010 @ 6:10 pm
Yeah I’m on the outskirts, real easy to take the metro into the city. Never?! Obviously you need to take a vacation and change that :D
By Kathleen, July 25, 2010 @ 10:55 pm
At the end of the day, what are most happy/satisfied with? Are you good with what you got done (whatever that is … pantsing or writing …) Maybe the next day do the thing that you either were happy about or less satisfied with. Taking care of your health is your job right now. But, you sound like you’re up for other things also.
God Bless!
By Jayne Williams, July 28, 2010 @ 11:33 am
Therapy Dog Website:
http://www.deltasociety.org/Page.aspx?pid=183
By zellie, July 28, 2010 @ 11:03 pm
Thanks for the link! That’s another angle on training….I want a dog for therapy so I ought to do some official therapy training!