It's hard to write when I think about a disease so aggressive it springs up in the midst of treatment. I hate that some of the most shining lights among my friends are going through the same, similar, or worse. It scares me how fast I went downhill and how fast it could happen again. I feel like I can't plan ahead. I always knew I wasn't meant to have kids or a house or whatever else normal people do but I'm still jealous (99% happy for them, of course, but that 1%) that they can plan. They can get married, have kids, get divorced, get remarried and build a garden. I knew I wouldn't make a lot of money so I didn't need the house, it didn't matter that I couldn't afford kids. But I thought my alternative was going to be saving up for hot springs tours of Japan, book tours in Callie's van, and the best dog ever.
I don't really know what direction to go in though. Pantsing means a day at a time, massages and cookies. But if I'm going to get published I need to finish some books. But books involve planning, involve *time* and I don't know how much of that I have. Aggression doesn't bode well for treatment or for recurrance and I'm only 27, that's like starting the game with 8 points against you.
I need to prioritize. The dog is most important. Is that weird? I didn't think it would be first, I mean I've managed for years without one but if all I have is tomorrow, I want my dog at my side. I know I should be concerned for my health and infection potential and blah blah blah. FINE, I'll wear a kevlar bubble if I have to! My MENTAL health is important too yaknow!
It's midnight. My chemo today had crack in it!
I don't know what's next. I guess I do take that a day at a time. Maybe I'll write tomorrow. Maybe I won't.
I've been having trouble the last couple days but I'll get over it. It's not worth losing a day to being upset about the future and I'm so, so lucky. I can *walk*….I'm not paralyzed, I'm not in the hospital, I can breathe, I can sing, aside from my shoulder I'm not in pain…..my quality of life is pretty damn good right now. So right now, I'm happy. I can't ruin that with worry even if it does mean I give myself short term memory and can't plan anything.
Also, I watched Troop Beverly Hills which is just as hilarious now as it was when I was ten (unlike Grease which I couldn't watch ten minutes of haha)
PS. My white count is low so I have to get HORRIBLE BURNING NEEDLES all week. But I'm not getting one now. SO YAY.